Sometimes, we need to look for the transformative moments in ordinary life.
This morning, Mike came out to the morning run I lead for NBR. I told him a bit about what I've been going through, with my grandfather's recent death. I began explaining the difficulty I've had - including seeing the dead body hanging from a tree (covered with a white sheet) in Central Park and the funeral procession, and he said, "That's your samskara."
Knowing quite a bit of this from some Buddhist study I have done I realize I have been stuck in a rut of so many ways - the past many months have been about pulling myself out of it, and I've been tripping on the way out a bit. I don't want my life to keep cycling the same negative energy. I hope it isn't my karma to end up in these complicated, cyclical, directionless relationships, but I am working to ensure that doesn't happen again. I hope this suffering ends. I want to break free of this constant cycle of negativity, of death, of pain, of crying, of confusion, of indecision. Unfortunately, it's not always as easy as we would like it.
I'm not sure what I'm doing next. I'm trying to not jump ahead too much but enjoy each day, to live in the present moment. Run some races. Stay in love. Enjoy my family. Return to a more regular practice. Embrace the good people in my life. Distance myself from the bad. But what else must I do to break free from this?