05 March 2006
instead of utilizing my only day off, i wasted much of the day. i ran a race, then made plans to go out, then decided not to, then called various friends. then t called and it was incredibly emotional. basically he understands our relationship is pointless as it can never go anywhere as our living situation makes it impossible. he is sad but he would never end it himself because he loves you. i am ending it because i love both him and i--and this relationship is painful and harmful to my well-being. all i want to do is sit in his arms, kissing him, because that's all i want--but we have no future. he needs to be somewhere that is not new york and i know i am not ready to leave new york. "you are such a bitch! leave new york for love," i can hear some irrational web surfer saying. i can't. when living in boulder, i sank into a very deep depression, and went to therapy for many months--almost a year. my therapist finally diagnosed me as having "environmentally-related depression" and said she was confident that when i moved back to nyc i would be fine. and she was right. i am much happier than i was in boulder--there i would walk around as if i were a zombie. here i am full of energy that i draw from the city of the world. i love new york. if i moved someplace else, i'd slowly resent trevor. i'm also part of so much here. the greenpoint community. my yoga community. my radical cheerleading/activist community. my many friends. i love my life here in new york. the only thing that makes it not perfect is t is not here. even though my life situation is not perfect, when t is here i feel happy, whole. i hate that it has to end, but know that six and a half years must end. the longer we drag this on, the worse and harder it will be. my only hope is a miracle--t finding a good job for him in nyc. and i'll leave nyc eventually, i'm just not ready yet. maybe in two years, if he is devoted to me like i want us to be, and living here, i will move wherever it is he wants to go--within reason. luckily, the bible belt is not known for its marine biology jobs. but that is merely a fantasy. soon i will truly be, as trish say, carrie bradshaw.